Tuesday, October 31, 2006


I like order, I love knowing that the backs of cupboards are spotless, underneath the beds are clutter free, the freedom of knowing that the house is clean, clean, clean, and my husband is the same, when he cleans the bathroom he stacks chairs in front of the door to stop the girls using it.
I have had times in my life when my desire for a neat house has cost me in terms of human relationships - I remember when we lived on Waiheke Island, Holly was almost 3, Charlotte a baby - lying in her pram in the middle of the lounge(room) happily cooing and babbling at her mobiles, and me frantically vacuming around her, thinking " I really should stop this and play with the babies" it was PND, but a kinder, gentler form, and when I told my GP that I felt I was cleaning a bit much he told me I was silly, I had little children, it was good that the house was clean...
I remember having my dearest friend to stay with her 3 girls, the same ages as mine - what should have been the coolest week, was spent tensely as I couldn't just let the kids go for it, I had to keep tidying up - and I had the same thought " I really should stop this"...and that friendship ended...and I realised that cleanliness is not next to Godliness, with 3 kids it is next to impossible. So when I moved in with Flash, and we had 5 kids, I relaxed - not too much, the communal living areas had to remain tidy - but I learnt to close their bedroom doors so I wouldn't have to see.

We were advised late last week that we would be having an inspection of our apartment soon, so I went into overdrive on friday, and again on saturday morning, and when all of the cleaning was done, Flash and I went and bought a filing cabinet, and emptied 5 different filing boxes into it, and made 60 different categories ???!!!

Donni popped in on her way back to Wollongong on saturday afternoon, and I was so pleased to see her, but tired and a bit withdrawn, and after she left I realised that I had done it again... the combined stresses we have on us at the moment (inspection, Flash is away a lot at the moment, being away from the family in NZ etc) made me retreat into cleaning and tidying to reinstate external order -when the inside is in disarray...I didn't go to SSK, Wollongong snb, Pub knitting, I didn't go out with Flash for our traditional saturday breakfast. I cleaned, filed,and worked...and felt bad.

They say the unexamined life is not worth living, I am trying to learn from previous experience, and finding strategies to become a better person, I am paying attention to the warning flags, and am blessed that I am surrounded with a wealth of friends and family, and an understanding husband who finds me endearing.

To this end today I am working, I have not left the house - but I have gone to "the office" and will be back at 6pm (ok I'm on a lunch break now!) the dishes and vacum cleaner I walk past do not affect me - they belong to "home" they'll be there waiting for me at the end of the work day, oh,and I am definitely getting a cleaner!